In our society we base so much on rewards and punishments. We put things in place to reward people if they work hard and do well. If we work hard, often if we are not rewarded, this is a let down. Rewards are often expected.
On the flip side, we try to deter negative behavior with consequences from fines to tickets to jail time. We do this with children from time outs to lost allowance and grounding.
We learn from a very early age the power of consequences. Often these can be intangible such as the hurt feelings, loss of trust or damage to a relationship. But when it comes to tanglible consequences, when is enough enough?
Poeple are human. We make mistakes. Of course we want people to learn from those mistakes and grow as a person. Now this is not a process that can be forced. However, many people willingly learn and grow. They want to improve and be better. But often the consequences and punishments that are put in place are more punitive and destructive than they are purposeful and productive. Should that not be the point of consequences but to serve a purpose and foster that growth and learning? When the consequences are demeaning, over kill or destructive, what is being accomplished?
I truly feel that this is a significant point whether we are talking about children, co-workers or any one in society who breaks a law. First, who am I to judge? I am not in your shoes and as easy as it might be to say "well I would never....", I really can not know until I am in that person's shoes.
Second, whatever the consequences, they need to be productive and help the growth process. If not then the damage can be endless from loss of self-worth and drive to suicide. We need to remember what we are trying to accomplish.
Third, we should never change the rules of the game. If someone is working to meet the punishment and consequences that have been put before them, it is not fair to raise the bar and change the hoops that have to be jumped threw mid-way. This creates such a defeating cycle.
Lastly, work with the person and not against. When time is served, let time be served. There is a point when enough is enough. There is a point when the person has done all that has been asked. Do not take advantage of your position and power. People are not dogs that should be made to do tricks. When people forget that we are human and stop having compassion all that is left is anger, resentment and much negativity. NOTHING IS ACCOMPLISHED.
For all people involved, keep your eyes on the goal. Keep your compassion. Try to remember to always be human. Karma is out there and heaven help you the day the shoe may be on the other foot....yours.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Limits to what we can and can not do
One thing I have learned as a therapist is that we are unlike any other medical and service professionals. When things go wrong for the people with whom we work, there is not 9-5 Monday through Friday. Calls come at any time. Requests of all sorts can come through. People are scared, desperate, you name it. If they trust us and we have a good relationship with our clients, they may seek from us things that we just can not do.
The other day I received a phone call that was not uncommon. A mom called saying that the situation with her daughter (a legal adult) had continue to deteriorate. She could not take it anymore and wanted my assistance getting her out of the house. I have received many of these types of phone calls. The hard part is that there is nothing we can do. Once the children are legal adults,there are severe limits to how we can help. Of course, as a therapist, we want to support and do what we can to resolve the issues. However, from my position, that involves keeping the family in tact, addressing the causes of the conflict and working to help the family function better.
However, there are times when people give up whether it be on a child, a spouse or someone else in their life. This is hard to acknowledge but it is reality. I am not one to judge. People go through hell and sometimes reach a point where they need the hell to end. In that state, clients often look to us to perform acts or help with the things that we simply cannot.
I feel that at these moments we must maintain our support. However, we must also be honest. We are not miracle workers. We also are not police, lawyers, foster parents etc. We are therapists and must act within the limits of that role. This is not easy but we need to tell our clients that. It is ok for them to seek help from us in a form that we can not give. They need to know that we want to but sometimes cannot do that which they are seeking. However, we are there for them, we listen and offer what help we can. That is what matters.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
The other day I received a phone call that was not uncommon. A mom called saying that the situation with her daughter (a legal adult) had continue to deteriorate. She could not take it anymore and wanted my assistance getting her out of the house. I have received many of these types of phone calls. The hard part is that there is nothing we can do. Once the children are legal adults,there are severe limits to how we can help. Of course, as a therapist, we want to support and do what we can to resolve the issues. However, from my position, that involves keeping the family in tact, addressing the causes of the conflict and working to help the family function better.
However, there are times when people give up whether it be on a child, a spouse or someone else in their life. This is hard to acknowledge but it is reality. I am not one to judge. People go through hell and sometimes reach a point where they need the hell to end. In that state, clients often look to us to perform acts or help with the things that we simply cannot.
I feel that at these moments we must maintain our support. However, we must also be honest. We are not miracle workers. We also are not police, lawyers, foster parents etc. We are therapists and must act within the limits of that role. This is not easy but we need to tell our clients that. It is ok for them to seek help from us in a form that we can not give. They need to know that we want to but sometimes cannot do that which they are seeking. However, we are there for them, we listen and offer what help we can. That is what matters.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
Saturday, February 23, 2013
New York here I come!
The first week of March (6-8), I will be in White Plains, Plainview and NYC, NY giving my Play Therapy Seminar. Really looking forward to it. If you are interested in registering go to:
http://www.pesi.com/search/seminarresults.asp
http://www.pesi.com/search/seminarresults.asp
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Yes, clients teach us too!
Too tired to blog tonight. This week at work has been very eye opening. Often the people who I see help me gain a better perspective on my life and they never even know it. Very tired so going to hit the pillow early. Much to think about. Yes, you think about clients in the quiet time. I will expand on this idea soon.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Preventative Work
I recently had a couple call to schedule an appointment with me. When I asked them what there were concerned about, they told me that they had recently gotten engaged and wanted to come to see someone to assist with communication. They went on to say that they hope to address problems before they occur. They thought it would be great to work with someone in order to address things now, before the become or cause a problem.
When I met this couple, what amazed me is that they are really a great couple. They seem to genuinely love each other, have solid reasons for getting married and have already handled stressors very well. However, no relationship is perfect just as no person is perfect. So we work on the things that often cause problems in relationships such as communication and handling stress, being on the same page, being able to compromise and support for one another.
How many people really think of doing this? Life is hard. We are all challenged. We all face stress. None of us is perfect and we all have issues from our past. However, most people wait until things get critical or there is some threats in their life such as the loss of a partner/spouse. If you think about it, no one is perfect. So now put to imperfect people in a relationship. They come from different upbringings, and yet these two different paths have now merged. Why do people think this is easy?
Relationships are HARD!!! I think often people get divorced because they do not know how hard it is going to be and assume that the relationship is not a good one if it is so challenging. That is not the case. The point should be to do the work. Persevere. If you do, it is worth it. The harder something is, the more fulfilling and rewarding on the other side. If people stop waiting for Cinderella and Prince Charming and start to realize that in order for a relationship to work they are going to need to roll up sleeves, get down and dirty and work harder then you ever imagined.
Why go through such things alone? Often the benefit of a third party makes all the difference. I do not doubt that I have saved a few marriages so far in my career. Assistance is not a weakness. Being stubborn and suffering unnecessarily though does not make sense.
No matter what the issue, we can all work on bettering ourselves. It is good to be preventative in any way we can. Don't start to eat healthy because you want to lose weight but eat healthy because you will feel better, take better care of yourself and probably not gain weight. Working with a therapist/life coach is the same - why wait until things fall apart. Be proactive and preventative.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
When I met this couple, what amazed me is that they are really a great couple. They seem to genuinely love each other, have solid reasons for getting married and have already handled stressors very well. However, no relationship is perfect just as no person is perfect. So we work on the things that often cause problems in relationships such as communication and handling stress, being on the same page, being able to compromise and support for one another.
How many people really think of doing this? Life is hard. We are all challenged. We all face stress. None of us is perfect and we all have issues from our past. However, most people wait until things get critical or there is some threats in their life such as the loss of a partner/spouse. If you think about it, no one is perfect. So now put to imperfect people in a relationship. They come from different upbringings, and yet these two different paths have now merged. Why do people think this is easy?
Relationships are HARD!!! I think often people get divorced because they do not know how hard it is going to be and assume that the relationship is not a good one if it is so challenging. That is not the case. The point should be to do the work. Persevere. If you do, it is worth it. The harder something is, the more fulfilling and rewarding on the other side. If people stop waiting for Cinderella and Prince Charming and start to realize that in order for a relationship to work they are going to need to roll up sleeves, get down and dirty and work harder then you ever imagined.
Why go through such things alone? Often the benefit of a third party makes all the difference. I do not doubt that I have saved a few marriages so far in my career. Assistance is not a weakness. Being stubborn and suffering unnecessarily though does not make sense.
No matter what the issue, we can all work on bettering ourselves. It is good to be preventative in any way we can. Don't start to eat healthy because you want to lose weight but eat healthy because you will feel better, take better care of yourself and probably not gain weight. Working with a therapist/life coach is the same - why wait until things fall apart. Be proactive and preventative.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Relationships require commitment
If you think about it, therapy requires a commitment. Any kind of goal requires a commitment whether it is to go to school to lose weight, to get a new job etc.
When we think about commitment we often think about relationships. In relationships, commitment involves a number of things including making the person a priority, being honest with the person, knowing we can trust them etc. There are many facets to commitment.
When a person enters into counseling or life coaching, they are starting a new relationship with the therapist/life coach. However, the commitment is not to that person. What are you doing is not for the therapist/life coach, it is for yourself. So the commitment that you are making is TO YOU!! And to no one else.
If you enter into counseling or life coaching know that it will work, if you commit to yourself that you will do it and follow through. This means facing yourself and the things about you that you do not want to face. This means doing the homework. This means trying even when you do not want to. This means do what the therapist suggests even if you think we are out of our minds in regards to what we have suggested. Keep doing it. Keep trying. Change does not occur overnight. You got into the position/place that you are in over time. It will take time to get out.
Therapy does require a good therapist. However, therapy will not work unless you make the commitment to yourself. If you are not ready to do that, than do not start counseling. Know that it will be hard. But if you do the work it will be worth it and this I can promise. As I said in my last blog, therapists are not magicians. Neither are you. Do not expect miracle from either of us. Good things come from hard work. You will see results if you try, work, push and perserve. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen it and it is not the train coming to hit you.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
When we think about commitment we often think about relationships. In relationships, commitment involves a number of things including making the person a priority, being honest with the person, knowing we can trust them etc. There are many facets to commitment.
When a person enters into counseling or life coaching, they are starting a new relationship with the therapist/life coach. However, the commitment is not to that person. What are you doing is not for the therapist/life coach, it is for yourself. So the commitment that you are making is TO YOU!! And to no one else.
If you enter into counseling or life coaching know that it will work, if you commit to yourself that you will do it and follow through. This means facing yourself and the things about you that you do not want to face. This means doing the homework. This means trying even when you do not want to. This means do what the therapist suggests even if you think we are out of our minds in regards to what we have suggested. Keep doing it. Keep trying. Change does not occur overnight. You got into the position/place that you are in over time. It will take time to get out.
Therapy does require a good therapist. However, therapy will not work unless you make the commitment to yourself. If you are not ready to do that, than do not start counseling. Know that it will be hard. But if you do the work it will be worth it and this I can promise. As I said in my last blog, therapists are not magicians. Neither are you. Do not expect miracle from either of us. Good things come from hard work. You will see results if you try, work, push and perserve. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen it and it is not the train coming to hit you.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Therapists are not magicians
One thing I learn when I am out on the road, is that none of us have all of the answers. I love learning from the people with whom I work and meet. For example, at seminars, I get ideas and strategies from the attendees. Everyone has their own background and imagination which results in the sharing of ideas.
The same ideas apply to my work with people as a therapist and life coach. I am not an expert on the person with whom I am sitting - they are. We have to work together. I have tools and ideas that I can share and teach to that individual but this is based upon what they teach me about themself. That is why we have to work as a team.
This is probably why I do not get all high and mighty. I am human, you are human and together we can be a force for change but only if we work together. I had a client text me yesterday with some issues he is struggling with. It was important to remind him that change and improvement takes time. IF you do your part and I do mine, things will get better but it takes hard WORK and TIME.
I firmly belief that with all of this in mind and a commitment, everyone can change the course of their life. Everyone can make things better for themself. This is an amazing process that I am honored to watch and be a part of. Counseling and coaching work though because two people work together as a team towards agreed upon goals.
It is amazing. I am blessed to serve people as I do.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
The same ideas apply to my work with people as a therapist and life coach. I am not an expert on the person with whom I am sitting - they are. We have to work together. I have tools and ideas that I can share and teach to that individual but this is based upon what they teach me about themself. That is why we have to work as a team.
This is probably why I do not get all high and mighty. I am human, you are human and together we can be a force for change but only if we work together. I had a client text me yesterday with some issues he is struggling with. It was important to remind him that change and improvement takes time. IF you do your part and I do mine, things will get better but it takes hard WORK and TIME.
I firmly belief that with all of this in mind and a commitment, everyone can change the course of their life. Everyone can make things better for themself. This is an amazing process that I am honored to watch and be a part of. Counseling and coaching work though because two people work together as a team towards agreed upon goals.
It is amazing. I am blessed to serve people as I do.
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
Play Therapy Seminar in Minnesota
Got back late Friday night from Minnesota where I delivered my Play Therapy Seminar as a speaker for PESI. What a great three days. I was amazed at how active the audience was throughout. I was in St. Cloud one day, Roseville the next and finished up in Bloomington. It was great the questions that were raised and the issues that we addressed.
What is incredible about Play Therapy is that there are no limits. If you have an imagination than you can always put new twists or add fun twists to any technique. Play Therapy is usually fun but can evoke a lot of feelings. There are times where doing such work with children can be very hard for you and the child. It is also important to keep in mind that Play Therapy works great for children, adults, couples and families. It is an exciting medium.
I want to thank all those in Minnesota who attended my seminar. I will be going to NY in March presenting this seminar in White Plains, Plainview and Manhattan. For more information or to register please go to www.PESI.com and search for NY and the first week of March.
Thank you,
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
What is incredible about Play Therapy is that there are no limits. If you have an imagination than you can always put new twists or add fun twists to any technique. Play Therapy is usually fun but can evoke a lot of feelings. There are times where doing such work with children can be very hard for you and the child. It is also important to keep in mind that Play Therapy works great for children, adults, couples and families. It is an exciting medium.
I want to thank all those in Minnesota who attended my seminar. I will be going to NY in March presenting this seminar in White Plains, Plainview and Manhattan. For more information or to register please go to www.PESI.com and search for NY and the first week of March.
Thank you,
Dr. Christine Frydenborg Dargon
www.christinefrydenborgdargon.com
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